I'm Sorry. I am. Really.

Chemistry is such a difficult thing. R is fantastic and in another lifetime, I’m sure something would happen between us. He’s everything a woman looks for in a man. Sexy, charming, dashing, gentleman and super European. He is very good looking - almost too pretty. We had non-stop flirty, playful conversation. Laughed a lot. He teased me a lot. I saw the expression in his deep blue eyes change, as I think I said things he wanted to hear. He swept my hair out of my eyes. Said all the right flattering things… But there is something about him that doesn’t make me tick. He gives me slight butterflies, but not the same butterflies I get from The Asshole. Or The Douche - I think I’m changing his name to The Asshole, as ass is more fitting than douche. 

I digress.

It’s so lame that once you feel a connection as strong as The Asshole and I share, it’s hard to replicate. Make this stop, I want to move on already.

The strangest thing, I can no longer cry.

There is a part of me that thinks tears will help alleviate this hurt. But I am not sure I am even all that hurt. I ache but it’s only periodic. Maybe I’m chugging forward, keeping myself as busy as possible to not think about the pain but I’m not sure. One thing I do know, is that my heart is pretty damaged and it will take a while to repair. There is also a part of me that is still very much in love with him. We have this connection, where the mind, heart, body and soul just…get each other. I love him unconditionally with everything I have - something I have never felt before. There is supposed to be a hole and emptiness where he used to be, but there’s not. I can’t wait for the day when he no longer enters my thoughts but he’s still there. With me. Always. 

So I think I am hurting but I am not sure. Such an odd feeling. 

Starting to wonder if everything is about sex. Little do people realize, I’ve had sex with a total of seven people in my life (including one mistake). This is probably the reason I was told to stop leading people on and quit being so conservative.

Sadly, I need the connection of mind, body, heart and soul in order to physically involve myself. Starting to think this is not the way most people operate.

Dating sucks.

Woke up to a curious email from R:

I have been thinking (always ominous words) and came to a conclusion:
I can’t just have a fling with you. I’m much more interested in staying friends and if we end up in bed together that would make it more difficult to do (speaking of myself). There is no realistic scenario of long distance dating that I can consider so all that can happen is a short fling. That could be lots of fun but it is not what I’m after in life, I’m looking for a serious relationship.

My strong attraction to you not withstanding, I would rather keep it sans sex and get to know you (mentally) for now.

Are you cool with this?

To which I replied:

Hello R - of course I am.

I wasn’t planning to end up in your bed tonight. But thank you for this message. Very thoughtful and respectable.

…we only went out once. 
One dinner. Major flirting. Some kissing but nothing too inappropriate. It’s flattering how he was thinking about our dinner but frankly, he’s not in my thoughts. 

The way another person’s mind thinks, is…perplexing. 

Someone told me today, to stop leading people on. It’s not that I’m dating to lead people on. It’s just that I’m trying to take my time. Do something called getting to know people. I’ve never multiply dated before so this line is really hard for me to define. Sue me.

We rekindled our little thing we had. He’s the one I’ve had a crush on since who knows when. We talked on the phone for about three hours last night.

Very Southern.
Very charming.

I like him. A lot :)

Had a very lovely night. Our chemistry was off the charts. We were both pleasantly surprised. He’s also a really good kisser.

He wants to see me again tonight. :)

We met through friends and there was chemistry. Tall, dark and handsome with blue eyes. Dashing demeanor and sexy accent. A gentleman to boot. He’s visiting from London for 10 days.  

We’re going out to dinner tonight. ;) 

At a local bar I happened to sit next to a super charismatic guy. His smile was charming, his personality even more so. He’s taking me out next week!

Yay.